


The Doctors Losses

by BlueBoxDetective



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Between Episodes, Little bit of Thasmin, Yaz comforting the Doctor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-27 20:41:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17169035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueBoxDetective/pseuds/BlueBoxDetective
Summary: After 11x09 the Doctor, Ryan, Graham and Yaz return to the Tardis, but Yaz feels like the Doctor might not be fine, even though she always seems to be bursting with energy and happiness.





	The Doctors Losses

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Fanfiction and I am not native to English, so I apologize for any mistakes I might have made. Happy to hear your suggestions and opinions about the story :)
> 
> Doctor Who is a trademark of the BBC, all rights reserved. My story is only shared for the enjoyment of others and is not intended to get myself any advantages or to create the feeling that the characters are my own.
> 
> Plays out after 11x09 "It takes you away"

The Doctor and Yaz had left Graham and Ryan outside for a moment on their own, while they returned to the Tardis. Straight away the Doctor went fiddling with the console, looking very concentrated and busy. Yaz looked at her across the room, as she leaned against a pillar. Either the Doctor didn't take notice of her or she wasn't in the mood to talk – with would be untypical, but Yaz would respect it. Sparks flew from the Tardis and the Doctor pulled back, muttering something that sounded like an apology.  
“Are you alright?” Yaz asked. The Doctor threw her a short look and smiled for a second: “Sure, I am. Just arguing with the Tardis where to go, that's all. She seems to have a set mind but I don't agree, want something nice and calming. But I-”  
She got interrupted by the door opening. Ryan and Graham entered the Tardis, they rubbed their hands to get them warm again. “Can we maybe go somewhere a bit warmer?” Graham asked, “Not that I want to complain, but I don't get younger and these temperatures just don't work with me very well...”  
“Yes!” the Doctor exclaimed, “Somewhere warm, can do. What do you think, old girl?” She spun around the console, flicking levers and pushing buttons. Graham smiled satisfied: “Thank you! Mind if I get a bit of rest first? Hell of a long day!” Ryan added: “Yes, and I would love to take a shower. That floor in the Anti-Zone probably hadn't seen a mop in years!” The Doctor shot him a look that showed some confusion. “Why would you try and clean in there? I don't think that would go very well...” She seemed to get lost in her thoughts for a bit, before she continued, “But sure, having some rest now and travelling tomorrow? Fine with me, how about you, Yaz?”  
Yaz nodded in agreement, suddenly feeling the need for a shower. They left the Doctor running through the console room and went to their rooms, showering and getting ready for bed. But after a well deserved and wonderful hot shower, Yaz lay in bed with here eyes wide open. Even though she was exhausted, something didn't feel right.   
Barefoot she walked down the corridor, not even knowing what she was looking for. She ended up back in the control room, but it was empty. The Tardis welcomed her with a soft hum, and Yaz tapped her walls lightly and gave her a smile. She walked around the console, not sure what to do, as one of the upper doors lighted up. “Thanks!”, she whispered and walked over the doorstep.  
She followed the dim walls to the only door in sight, slightly open. She reached for the doorknob and peered into the room behind. Slowly she pushed the door open and found herself in a huge, beautiful library. Shelf after shelf to both her sides, stocked with books so high it was a surprise they didn't fall down. A thick, fuzzy carpet led through the shelves, laying on a dark, wooden floor. But the most stunning was the ceiling, being completely see-through. Above her head she looked straight into stars, little shining dots, thousands of them. As she stared in awe, a quiet sound reached her ears. It seemed to be a song, even though she didn't understand the words. Since it was a female voice, she guessed it had to be the Doctor singing. Following the music she walked through the library, until she saw the Doctor, sitting in front of a huge window on the carped, her knees pulled up to her chest, arms wrapped around them, rocking back and forth just the tiniest bit. And, as Yaz had guessed, she sang – hummed, right now.  
“What a beautiful song”, Yaz said quietly as she approached the Doctor. The woman spun around in surprise, untangling her arms and legs and putting on a slight smile: “Yaz! Why aren't you in bed? Have you been looking for me, has something happened?” The Doctor was about to get up, some worry speaking through her voice.  
“No, no!” Yaz was quick to reply, gesturing her not to get up and instead sitting down next to her, “I just felt like something was not alright. I...” not knowing how to finish her sentence, she stopped talking. But as always, the Doctor was bubbling with words: “What was not alright? Are you okay, is something worrying you?” On her face Yaz could now see serious concern. “Doc, no. I am fine. I felt like you weren't okay.”  
The Doctors face switched to confusion. “Oh. Well that's very nice of you, thank you. I am doing just fine, don't you worry!” She gave Yaz a smile, but it didn't reach her eyes. Yaz thought she saw sadness behind the curtain of energy the Doctor always showed. “Are you sad about what happened today, Doctor?” Yaz asked in the softest tone she could manage. “It is okay if you are.”  
The Doctor took a second to answer, which was quite unusual. Her smile faded. “Well, everything worked out in the end.” she finally said, not answering Yaz's Question.  
“You are concerned.” It was a statement, not a question. Yaz tried to catch the Doctors eye, but the blonde was looking at the carpet. Quietly she uttered: “I might be a little bit.”  
Yaz reached over to the Doctor and placed her hand on the woman's knee. Almost sounding desperate, she said: “Doctor... I don't know... Look, I know I might not understand everything. And I know you have lived through so much more than I will ever be able to understand, but... Do you remember why you call me Yaz? Because we are friends. I am your friend Doctor, and I want to be there for you. I want to listen to you if there is something that troubles you. And I can see it, Doctor, I can see that you aren't fine right now. And I worry. I...” she fell silent, not knowing what else to say. Her cheeks took a light red colour as she feared she might have gone to far, but it was to dark for anyone to notice.  
After a short moment of silence, the Doctor looked up to her, with a deeply troubled expression. Barely audible, she whispered: “I can't loose you.”  
Yaz, happy she somehow got through to her, looked her in the eyes and spoke in a reassuring tone: “You won't! We are all here, we are happy, not going anywhere!” She noticed that the Doctor went back to staring at the floor. The blonde answered: “It would be fine if you wanted to leave. I could cope. But I nearly failed you today. I nearly lost Graham to the Solitract. Ryan nearly fell to a horde of moths. And you...” she fell silent, not finishing her sentence. Yaz looked at her, the woman that was always so full of energy and happiness, now with sloped shoulders, staring a a fuzzy carpet.  
“Doctor!” Yaz exclaimed silently, “You did not nearly fail us. You saved us! You made sure we got to safety. You nearly said goodbye to everything and everyone just to safe Erik”, the Doctor looked at her confused, “He told us. He explained you said to the Solitract it could have you. That you would stay.”  
“But I didn't”, muttered the Doctor.  
“No. You came back to us. You made sure everyone was cared for, you send us to care for ourselves and came to the library alone, not even hearing our side of the story. You are not failing us, and you didn't nearly fail us, Doc. Do you hear me?”, Yaz asked softly. As the Doctor looked up to her, Yaz was able to see deep, dark sadness in the Doctors green eyes. Never before had she seen her that vulnerable. The Doctor whispered, her voice filled with grief: “I have failed so many already...”  
“Do those many think that, too?” Yaz asked, softly.  
“I don't know”, the Doctor admitted.  
“That must feel devastating”, the brunette whispered. From the Doctor she only heard a broken “Yes...”  
Yaz got closer to the Doctor and put her arm around the woman, pulling her close. The Doctor buried her face in Yaz' shoulder, and put her slender arms around her body. Carefully Yaz pulled the Doctor close and stroked her back, slowly rocking her back and forth, just like she had seen her before. “If you ever want to talk, Doctor... I will listen. I will listen as best as I can, I promise.”  
“Not now”, the Doctor whispered into Yaz' chest. Some seconds ticked by as they sat in silence, Yaz comforting the Doctor the best she could. The Doctor herself, unusually quiet, seemed to just need this time out of being the strong woman who is always fine and happy.  
“Is there something I can do?”, Yaz asked very quietly.  
After a while the Doctor looked up to her, insecurely. “Will you... Can you stay with me? For the night?”  
“Of course!”, Yaz answered, “Do you want to go to bed or stay here?”  
“The bed sounds like a good idea”, the Doctor said, and got onto her feet. Together they walked to the console room, Yaz holding the Doctors hand in hers. “Are you okay with my room?”, the blonde woman asked uncertain. “Fine with me”, Yaz replied, a little bit nervous.  
They slid under the covers together, Yaz offering to take the Doctor into her arms. The Doctor snuggled up to her, then gave her a warm smile. “This is really nice. Thank you Yasmin Khan. Thank you for coming to check on me.”  
“You are very welcome. Thank you for opening up to me. I know that must have been hard.”  
And the Doctor closed her eyes, a slight smile on her face.


End file.
